Nature: 1, Fevah: 0

This is one of those times of year where you think you can get away with being totally graceful on ice and snow.

But you would be so wrong in thinking such a thing.

I couldn't be more painfully aware of how clutzy and ungraceful I am at this very moment. As I sit here at my office desk, wishing this day would be over, (so I could get my hair done by one of my favorite people on earth, Trixie, and so I can get closer to the hour that I pick up Crazy Train from the airport) I am reminded at how retarded I am when it comes to winter weather.

Melody and I had just finished a wonderful dinner at Panera (if I could inject an IV of their broccoli cheddar soup into me, I would) and we had to stop off at my dad's house to switch over my laundry before we went to the Loop for some xmas shopping. Yes, I may hate xmas, but I can still fucking shop for it.

And as I got out of the car, listening to Melody talk about her finals the next day and the vast superiority that penguins have over whales, I failed to realize the giant patch of black ice directly underneath me. And as I fell, I could only imagine that this was the day I was expecting. 2 months of no derby and no physical strain, and I'm about to fuck that all up with one stupid ass fall. I landed directly onto my right knee (upon which I started cursing as if there were no tomorrow) as well as planted my right hand into a snowbank. And after the initial pain of the knee-smashing subsided, I realized that it was almost worst to have a mitten full of snow.

Melody then bravely picked me up off the ground and carried me into the house. But as we were walking up the stairs to the porch, we both realized that even though the driveway was filled with black ice, and the porch steps still had snow covering them...the BBQ grill was immaculate. Can you imagine that? In WHAT world would a person think "Hmm...well fuck the walkways, as long as I have my grill, that should be good enough."

The answer is: My Father. The man who would watch his own daughter slip and fall into PERIL, but make a cheeseburger with ease. I mean, god love the man, but sometimes I wonder. I now have my knee bandaged and ready for the world, but it's a constant reminder that I suck at nature.

I can only wait to see what this new year brings me. Oh goody.

Shame.

I've come to realize the most awkward encounter there is on this Earth.

It's not meeting your possible in-laws for the first time. It's not meeting your husband's mistress. It's not with your boss after you've done something horribly wrong. It's not with your friend after you've been in a huge fight. It's not with a parent after you've messed up something big. It's not even with a Coach or Captain when you fuck up on the track.

The most awkward, almost uncomfortable encounter there is?

The moments spent as you are trying to get something out of the vending machine, while the vending machine guy is there to refill them.

Yes, you heard me right. To me, there is nothing more uncomfortable than standing at the vending machine, trying to decide what snack (or snackS) you want, as the man who is waiting to refill said machine is standing right there next to you.

Watching you. Judging you.

It's a feeling that you can't explain or even really understand. You feel completely guilty for taking what seems rightfully his. Should you show off and get a healthy granola bar? Or should you just stop and say "Who am I kidding?" and grab a candy bar loaded with chocolate and peanuts and goodness of all kinds. Then what happens if you wanted a drink? Do you go for the double purchase? Or do you try to save face and come back when you think he has finished refilling the machines? These are life's questions, my friends.

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. It's one of those things where you pray to God you got it right and won't regret it later on down the road. It's a moment that will make you stronger than you could have ever imagined. And as you press the "B5" buttons, you can rejoice in the fact that even if it was the wrong choice, it was YOUR choice. And that, is a Christmas miracle in itself.

Target can be fun sometimes...

Why is it that people who work in retail stores automatically hate me?

I understand it's a busy holiday season. But it's not like I'm that much more of a bitch than most people. Sure, I can BE a bitch if pushed to it -- but it's not like I go walking into a store looking for an argument. I always say "Hi, how are you?" when I get to the register and politely turn down whatever express card they want me to take part in. So why is it that I get shit on by these people who are usually uglier and older than me? I should be doing the shitting, my friends.

Take for example, the lady at the Target Greatland that Tootsie and I happened to visit this past Saturday. After I put my card into that machine that sucked it in, I realized that the screen wasn't changing. I said something to the 60ish woman at the register, to which she IMMEDIATELY replied with "What did you do?!". Now, granted...I am a very unlucky/clutzy person. If you have a drink with no top, I will spill it. If there is debris on the ground, I will trip over it. If there is a machine that will eat my debit card, so be it. But, I calmly said back "I didn't do anything, I just put the card in."

After about 3 minutes of this woman beating the machine to try to get my card out and repeating "What did you do?! What did you do?!" (to where I am getting angrier and angrier with my repeated phrase of "I just put the card in, I just put the card in."), Tootsie and I started to smell smoke. And it seemed, that it was coming from that same machine...my card still within it's clutches. At that point, I looked at Tootsie and said "If my card is melting right now, I am going to be FUCKING pissed." I then understood that there was nothing "nice" left between me and this woman, and it would be an all-out war if she uttered the phrase "What did you do?!" one more time.

Now there were 3 clerks, a security man and about 3 or 4 disgruntled customers all surrounding the machine with my card stuck in it. They were talking about the horrendous smell it was making, and should they call someone, are people ok. Blah blah blah, cut to me getting more and more frustrated with the fact that this old bat is still doing nothing useful to return the card to it's rightful owner -- ME. I knew, in all my frustration, that this was still a ridiculously funny moment, so I couldn't help but join in when Tootsie started laughing.

FINALLY, a kid walked over and took apart the machine in about a minute flat. But as he was opening the machine, the woman continued to be a douche bag, but changed up her phrase just a smidge to "She did something to it." I finally lost my nerve and looked right at her and screamed:

"I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING, I JUST PUT THE CARD IN THE MACHINE AND YOU CAN STOP FUCKING BLAMING ME FOR YOUR FUCKED UP MACHINES, THANKS."

The woman and the kid both jumped and looked at me like I was going to pull out a knife and slit their throats. I grabbed my receipt and my non-melted card (thank jesus) from the woman and as if the interaction couldn't get any more rediculous, she had the audacity to say "Have a nice day" to me. As this was coming out of her mouth, I cut her off to scream at her "MERRY CHRISTMAS" turned around and said (in what I thought was quiet, but later I found it was not so quiet) "Fucking bitch."

Thus ends one of my MANY examples of why I hate shopping. I try to be nice, I try to be courteous -- and this is what I get. Bullshit. So if anyone has any interest in seeing a scene, come shopping with me -- it'll be a hoot.